Pain...

Hahaha is all I can do when one judges another by saying "you don't have it as bad as you think".... As I pause and wipe my face from the tears that flooded my face like it was a reencarnation of Katrina I try and reflect what brought me to such an emotional point.... First, my name is spelled wrong.... Now as a man I can handle it myself but how painful is it to feel like you didn't mean enough to your parents for them to spell "their" first born son's name right.. Second, why can I count the amount of times I been told "I love you" or "I am proud of you" outside of them being just a reply?? The only thing one needs from the ones who matter the most are those two phrases... Third, when I played sports all I wanted was a constant teacher/motivator to make me feel like my game meant something to more than just me.. I never had the front yard throw the ball father or brother or anybody that was willing to for that matter... Fourth, when I lost my oldest brother how come no one called to see if I was doin fine or make sure that I was taking it ok... I still cry with no shoulder to lean on and what hurts the most is that it feels like me being ok means nothing.... 



Excuse the pause emotions always win the fight against tears... I could go on forever about what I feel has shaped me to be who I am but I'm learning that those who u matter to will let you know and vis versa... Pain has no conscious or preference and spares no one.. So I guess the message in this is to the ones who really matter let em' know because what you don't say or express does hurt....    

Confessions(of love)....

A simple admission of guilt would suffice, but I don't know what I have done or why I'm feeling how I am... I minimize my offense like an unused window on a computer screen... I begin to change up what I say and my routine(toward her).... She begins to change also but in subtle ways that she thinks I don't notice, now she opens my car door after I open hers, she is my alarm clock, she sends me a text at 1:43 everyday that just says "=)"... So now I cant, I mean I don't move without her rythm moving with mine.. I don't eat without her belly first being full.. I don't sweat without working "her" out first.. Now I think I'm ready to make a confession but I don't wanna serve the time that will be given alone... I'm not a snitch nor will I assume so I hope she has "committed" the same crime and is willing to accept the responsibility... Time passes and when I see her again, my phone chimes (it's 1:43) and when she walks up to me and emphatically says "I confess".... Love....    

Fooled...

How can you give something if you don't kno that it's wanted... Why can't we take what we dish? How come we belittle things when we're in the wrong? Why is it so hard to move past little sh**? But when that mixed feelings smokescreen clears and the I "know how you are" understanding takes over, it seemingly clearifies if and how your relationship will go?? Or does it?? Premature love is the greatest feeling, because you don't care about flaws, the past, outside opinions, or any other henderance of the progression that is brought up against what you are endulged in with that person of your interest... But although it's one of the greatest feelings it almost never lasts long cause reality takes back over and destroys your "want" for that person of interest... Food for thought...  

Idk...

Beauty isn't justification enough to describe how God made her... Although i have never actually seen her, I know she is real... I dreamt she was mine and since then i can't think without it being about her. She is what i need in life to feel complete and If she knew what i thought she would think i was crazy and would end all communication between us... No um not in love by a long shot but i feel if she was closer i would make her feel as if the World was hers.. I would do her homework, fix her bathwater, wash her clothes, be her Doctor, just to name a few... But for now ill accept the simple texts and basic conversations cause part of her for now is more than enough to satisfy my needs... And her name is beauty!!!