Father, or much less than....

The strongest form of hate and disdain, emotion filled with what isn't reciprocated... All you want is a football tossed but when roll is taken an absence is always tallied... Small lessons are never taught by the correct instructor so interpretation is left up to the student... "Left out to dry" becomes an expectation and normality... There is no role model worthy of replacement because love and the strength in "wanting" makes all wrong null if the smallest of actions are taken... "I hate you" eventually becomes a feeling more so than an expression and advancement emotionally is thwarted by lack of what was a necessity to help understand all the "why's"..... Yet love is still present deep down... Painful... Just do better... FFT

Him vs Her...

Expectations of things not known, contradicted by the realization of those things now shown... One of them battles forced  love for something he didn't help procreate, while she battles luggage and a list she didn't help make... Who's giving more? She can't help he used to be a whore, but he's not responsible for her unprotected actions because she knew what would be in store... Does he create a father out thin air? Will she forgive and forget? Will that be fair? If love conquers all should these questions be asked? Or is the future really that scarred by the past... Honestly happiness is the prize, but will only be found by way of compromise.... FFT...

Thyself....

To the edge, ledge, cliff, border or just the point of major ramifications.... Depth, danger and the unknown awaits the next move... Reluctancy and procrastination become the norm... The past finds its way into the psyche of the decider further complicating a situation that was already complex... Doubts and arguments... Regression and ultimately retraction from the "decision"... The cycle repeats as it has.... Unless the necessary change is made to get the extra knowledge and will to take that "leap".... A mirror only shows what's reflected, no more no less... FFT... 

Shoulders....

That hollow dry feeling of a cinder block size knot in your throat... That tear on the cusp of falling.... The words you can't get out because your breath leaves your lungs when attempt to speak... That moment everything slows up, sounds diminish and goosebumps fill the surface of your skin... That moment all the questions you never wanted answered engulf your every conscious thought... That moment a hug won't do anything but worsen it.... That moment you selfishly utter "how could you", "why"..... That moment no one could possibly know or care, but you expect them to... Lost in those moments... Focused on confusion, ironically.... Your chest literally hurting where your heart is... Can you be strong for others who are effected? Bottles don't cure, figuratively.... An open mouth can be found in the darkest of places as well as an open hand being easier to grip when it grips back.... Alone doesn't have to be a way thru... FFT

Anger....

A burning sensation ignited by the minimalist of sparks, instigated by a past lingering aggravation... Expression constipation, but by choice because a release is feared... Hinted and bush beat, only because obviousness isn't a course suited for such complexities.... Instigations from the stuff under the rug precede every reaction and worsen the effects... Smoke clears and the damage seemingly is unrepairable, well the willingness to is just nonexistent.... Pride isn't the cause of things unknown to the culprit, more of mentality functions and lack of a reality grasp.... But really how do you talk to an ear that doesn't translate.... They don't know, will you tell them is the question.... Food for thought... 

Algebra....

Cold season, even though its not winter.....   A painful sting, something like a splinter...   Past love, still holds weight... ... Current situation suffers, cause you just can't separate(the two)...   Excuses, arguments, and miscommunication   Due to assumptions and anticipation.. Of what though?   Am I him? Are you her? I thought this was something new....   Well we won't know unless we come to terms with the truth....   Letting go, simple task just hard to do....   How hard is the equation when it adds up to be me and you?   Take my hand and lets grow together...   Stick with me thru changes, no matter the weather...   Try harder, its worth the outcome...   Cause ultimately we're trying to get to the afore mentioned sum....   Better math...

What's relative....

Relevance, a selfish word in it’s own right and used specifically for what matters…. Ignored when it’s on the other side of the fence, but enforced strictly when it’s you it has to deal with… 1 plus 1 equals 2, at face value… Let’s dig deeper and add one person’s emotions to another, still equal 2? The concept is simple but finding a sum is a complexity not often understood or even acknowledged…. The assumption and expectation that the answer will always be 2 is where failure occurs… It’s not simple math or a theoretical formula you can apply to all things that fit the “1 plus 1” equation…. Roads often look the same but rarely lead to the same destination unless you take those “familiar” turns…The infamous u-turn of emotions, always prevalent but only because the past is really the present and not left where it actually was or occurred... But who does it effect? Does it even matter? Just food for thought...   

Flabbergasted, non-cognoscente, bewildered at the actuality of emptiness in such a used forum of energy and occupancy.... Formulas change, approaches fluctuate, and yet the results are overwhelmingly reminiscent of those past... Self guilt ensues and a mass overload of tattered walls spring up in defense, some frail soldiers are placed at the gates entrance.... Closed but always open to trying, contradiction... Ones full effort is given at first sight of what may be a chance at the true feeling of comradeship.... Nails in the tire... Some burst... Some slowly drain until they're flat... Inconclusively a solution is made... Force not what you can't control... The heart...

Tomorrow Comes...

Sleep deprivation from the devastation of the realness relived in unconsciousness... The revisitation of what once was here, but no longer possessing the ability to be felt... The sun rises again and birds chirp, alarms sound, cars pass, clouds float and the breeze blows peacefully... Calming in a sense, but not soothing, cruel and harsh in a way... Times still ticks and deadlines still have to be met... So suppression becomes prevalent and you try and find the groove that was interrupted.... Acceptance is the lesson.... Never forgetting is the comprehension.... Life goes on, I love you....

Sincerely Professor P. Ain

Unpredictable occurrences, that lump in your throat, seemingly blocked airways, blurred vision, uneasy stomach, no reason to smile, easily aggravated, overblown snippets..... You attack with an overwhelming stench of helplessness and guilt... You deceive, create a facade of self imprisonment... Manifest questions of doubt and what ifs.... You gorge your students at their weakest point, exploit the inconsistencies and bring out the worst in them... You linger around and when they forget you, you remind them of your  power and ability to take theirs away... You never quit punching, scratching, biting, clawing or chasing.... You make sure you're studied and understood... But the harshest lesson you teach is that without what you've done we wouldn't know strength.... Appreciation for your doctrine is a rarity because of your callus methods and misconstrued mannerisms... Graduation from your institution and receipt of degrees and diplomas are few and far between because of a high dropout(quit) rate... But for advancement we need you... I did, she will and so will he... Thank you.. 

Deeper than the first chapter...

BITCH! "Fuck you!"...... Naw it's never that easy... Well the path used often is.... Fabricate excuses, beat on famished walls that were built on a false ground foundation... Sweep it under the rug and ignore the lumps... Hatred pimples, lie bumps, substandard attempts at love often fail... But who's try is it anyway? Wax-full ears, astigmatisms, tart tongues highlight the communication... I've never been her(e), yes you have just acknowledge your fantasy(world)... "where's my facade?".... "I can't be seen like this!".... True vision binoculars from afar, dissection, assessment-tation, assuming-tation then reciprocation... What is confusion? How do you rewind? This game doesn't give mulligans? Is it a game? "Don't tangle my thoughts!!!" lemme predict where we will go! No struggle or issues will arrive and survive... Impenetrable forces of nature we will never divide... What they say is a misnomer to be placed in the folder entitled "null and void".... Understand?

Not so simple...

Hey, hello, hi, what's up, sup and and any other attention getting conversation starter holds more value than often given... The care shown in the effort of those words is often over looked because of the simplicity of them and belittlement by social networking.... The concepts of a simple good morning can give one butterflies or that urge to smile that no one can resist, 
no matter their current situation... A minuscule "how are you" is treated as if it's a protocol question one asks for the hell of it, but it's true meaning is to subliminally send the message of compassion for ones well being. It seemingly will always be answered "sluggishly" until the recipient feels the same way about the administrator.... A whimsical "how's your day" is often overlooked because typically everyday is the same so it's viewed as a weak stimulant to conversation and answered accordingly... The significance of a "good night" is always deeper than any other sign of caring because it symbolizes the end of the day and the last thoughts that cross ones mind, and what better feeling than to know that someone thought of you at the sum of the day and it's events.... "I don't care" seems so abundant these days and assessing value in minute things feels like a waste, but one who knows value will see, appreciate and reciprocate... To me anyway... 

Trustghanistan...

Full of war, mental battles, lack of opponent comprehension and headlined by selfish artillery... A land where no ground can go ignored, no sign can go unread... Too many soldiers on each side, random walls from the past that still stand strong.... Words are the bullets that fill the guns that seemingly never stop firing... Wants underlined by insecurities make for short term peace, but it always gets back to the civil war between reality and actuality... Compromise is a blasphemous term when it comes to this place, unless it's true concept is understood, studied, and applied by those who've battled in this place... Although we want to believe that we can leave unscathed, reality says you can't love without having fought in this place... But can you accept it? Will you? It's on you to visit and make it out... Agree?

Can we talk....

A cool perfume filled breeze, I smell her first and and turn and watch her walk past... Each step she took after she caught my attention carried a musical note that stuck to me like that song that makes you feel it in your veins... Times slows down and I fade into my thoughts... I say hi and extend my hand in the traditional way, gentlemanly I go about introducing myself and creating a conversation about the typical easy answer things that bore her, so she ends the conversation with "I'm in a relationship".... So i think of another approach, I say "hey", and grab her hand and greet it with a soft kiss, exaggerating the motions so she can picture her lips receiving the same, I tell her my name... She smirks and does the same, I proceed to tell her how her curves have me dizzy and her smile coupled with those lips raise my temperature to fever levels... I tell her the things I would do to a body so beautiful can't be described with words but only by the actions I would have to demonstrate... She gives me her number, I text and she replies "tell me more"... Although thats what is most prevalent I don't think I wanna waste such beauty on a temporary pleasure... So I play it out differently cause clearly "typical" conversation won't work with such beauty... I say excuse me and give her an obscure comment about how her style is flawless and the lust I embarked on when she walked past was vicious and borderline disrespectful but only cause we're strangers, she chuckles and we walk into future not knowing that we had just met "the one".... In my mind....