Egocentric...

I apologize.... Well in a sense of right and wrong I do... To save face I'll swallow this loss until it's my chance to claim that "right" crown again. The bigger picture is a fairytale to me, the past showed me what it looked like, and a future with you won't really change what I've seen, I love you tho. My capacity to support only goes as far as my eyes can see gain, and compromise is a foreign word with a meaning too deep for my liking or care... Progression is also one of my least concerns, my comfort zone is too good of a bachelor(ette) pad to move out and up in class.... I can't see past titles and outside acknowledgement of what WE have, and I don't care to make you smile as much as I care about you making me do such... I won't put you in my top three priorities but you damn sure better make me feel like mean the world to you... Given these things, will you still love me? Give me a lot? Show me the way to no avail? Please?

Hey Doc...

Excuse me sir, could I have your ear? Tell you about a daughter who persevered? That missed a man whose face she couldn't recognize? She of course traveled a rough path, no different than any others struggles, comparatively... But she doesn't know you... She's cried for you with no name to use, sought your embrace but had to settle for nothing but an empty excuse... So as she grew, she used you, as an underlying motivation to be great, but she couldn't avoid the issues it still would create... No she wasn't promiscuous, her mother was more than a wonderful guide, but she did inherit an insurmountable amount of pride....  Sad that she was cheated out of hugs and I'm proud of you's, silly moments all her friends bragged about.. She could only draw her mother and her on her kindergarten family pic, which was funny to those who didn't know why she did it... She would ask about you often, even when she knew the answer was the same, loving you by default.. Times missed that can never be given, don't worry though cause ill hug her for you, let her know I'm proud, that she is loved... No need to apologize, just wanted to share with you an exception, a hurt little girl who blossomed... That's a story not many can tell... A fathers absence is devastating, although conquerable it hampers growth and knowledge of worldly things... And undeservedly she still loves you.. Thanks for your time or lack thereof... 

The fight

A young oppressed boy, mentally filled with hatred by the concepts he's yet to understand the root of, yet he is spoon fed them daily.. Given tools to despise what he's ignorant to before he learns his own real purpose and place in life... Likely not given proper guidance by his creator because the other half spitefully removed the ability to give  the necessary "man" essentials that will enable proper maturity growth... Fighting the absence of the only entity that was desired and needed in conjunction with the stigmas of his pigment, he loses sight of what legit success is... Inadequacies are easily combated with support... The scarcity of progressive fellowship thwarts major growth... Appreciate efforts expressively... Support is a fertilizer that can replace, replenish and recreate... Sons become fathers.. FFT.. 

In hindsight...

I wish I hadn't felt that inexplicable urge in my chest region caused by the time I spent with you, but if I hadn't I would have no clue what love is, so thank you....  I shouldn't have believed you were who you imitated when we first met and became accustomed to each others daily selves, but if I hadn't I wouldn't know I was capable of letting my guard down, thank you... I hate that I believed that you felt for me equally as I did you by virtue of the things I saw and felt, but if you hadn't shown me I wouldn't know that I could trust, thank you... I despise letting you cause me a pain so unreal that I still haven't found the answers for, but if you hadn't I wouldn't know that pain leads to growth, maturation, and ironically understanding, again, thank you... You look so different now, well actually you look the same, with different features, still beautiful, warm, and unknown... It wasn't you that changed it was me learning who I really am, so thank you once again for giving me a mirror... FFT.. 

You vs You...

Residue of a love once known still resonates subconsciously on your new found want for progression... Lost in the midst of all the could be's you retreat back to comfortability, all the while knowing the same pains would ensue.... It's logical to you because new wounds aren't something you're too fond of... Re-aggravation is your choice... Rugs and dirt.... Cliche...  Is it you or is it the lack of you caring for you? Too hard to decipher between what's a solution and what's the actual issue... While its true that you can only play the cards you're dealt, the way in which you use the lessons you've learned, recognition, reactions, and knowledge of the issue faced is a key to the door of forward... Also known as progression... FFT.. 

The Unknown...

So often a shoulder is sought, and more than that one isn't available... So when one is present words can't describe anymore because the ability to articulate has been lost in the midst of the callusing of emotions and expression.... So the words "are you ok" are Greek, and an extended hand is pity in which pride won't let past it's genuine invitation... So around the bush things go until a new subject arises and gives shelter back to that slight emotion that slipped out and was seen by a caring eye... Can't change what doesn't want to be different and you can't force what doesn't already fit into what's desired... It can always be ready but won't always be willing... Understood only by relation, provoked to stay put by assumptions, and hardened by failed attempts to expose... The only type of wars that are won are those that are adequately prepared for.. Battles are meant to be lost in order to teach... Learn and grow... FFT

Look Again (prelude)

The carousel of past hurt, harsh words, broken promises, and other minor disappointments that reign vast in a closed to love psyche.. Acceptance of the parts contributed to the wrongdoings endured isn't a choice ready to be made, which in turns manifests an abundance of compiled ignorance... An apology is accepted but only verbally... So many outside sources to blame that knowledge of self involvement is completely disregarded... All signs say "me, I, my, self" but that conclusion is rarely drawn... FFT.. 

Bye Love...

Bye love...

Yes I know when you were here and prevalent you were indestructible... 

I don't question if you were real, but I do wonder if you believed you were here too...

Bye love... 

I can't hold you here(in my heart) anymore but, that place will always have your memoirs...

Things happen...

Bye love...

I faltered, slipped, mistakenly expected more from you, and don't know where I got lost... 

Yes I take blame for parts that contributed to you leaving.. 

Bye love... 

I tried to hide behind my adolescent actions and excuse reality by way of avoiding your effects....

You're not easily swayed to leave...

Bye love.. 

These lessons I hate you for, feelings I blame on you, hurt I can't let go....

"You" not me... 

As much as I say bye and you never leave... As much as I try and fail... What are you trying to tell me, love? 

I want you to leave, you get more comfortable and stay... 

What's the point? FFT.. 

Denial, but not a shelter...

Vindication provided by history... Justification for your actions rests in the hands of the past... Finger pointing, but very little self assessment... Hiding behind hurt... Fighting with weapons stained from things you've yet to deal with... They've moved on, and you "say" you have... Attention is sought, ignored, and stains even more... Compounded issues devastate all new ventures... Tarnishing your image and instilling doubt for a future... Now you're into sabotage because you think that is what you've been a victim of... Never having once taken a look at oneself.. Emotions aren't immature, yet, they take maturity to express and humility to realize... Time to grow... So just let it go... 

The Carousel...

Before you walk away there's a few rhetoric words I wanna give you and your ailing heart.... Excuse my tears, emotions aren't commonly expressed by my "species"... I apologize for being genuine... I'm sorry your past is your future... My deepest condolences for that love you'll never get a chance to experience... I sympathize with your selfishness because you know not that it's you... I hope you can forgive yourself for the hearts ill break, lies ill tell, monogamous situations ill violate the terms of... Deeper is the fact that I love you and we haven't advanced to the point of fighting thru, but to the point of fighting away... Now I resent, passionately despise, forgot what it's like to give... All to run away from pain... Someone will learn from me and become another part of my same "species"... It's my fault for trying in the first place... A Goodbye is oxymoronic ... In this case... We'll stick with the irony of fair-well... 

Well RE: The Way

A plea? More of a presentation... Beautiful words with what purpose? An action got me here, so words won't suffice... But I will say that the way isn't even known so I couldn't help you if I tried... I could give you a map of the place I traveled before but who would that help? My heart isn't shattered, i just have a tarnished view on love... No it's not your fault, but you resemble that of the creature who inspired my beliefs... You smell like heaven, smile like an ocean view, sound like my favorite song, and feel like a euphoric epiphany that replays every time we touch... But it's too good to be true.. Even in your beauty your nature disgusts me... So I'm sorry, I can't... 

The way...

Without my voice how can I tell you? Without my literacy how can I illustrate it? It's evident to me but your research and conclusions deceive you, they tell you lies, won't let you realize... Surprise, I'm here(silence is the response), hello? I stop the nearest break residing in your heart and ask if I'm at the right place, it winks and says "undoubtedly you are"... I'm lost... Where's a map? Are there rules in this place? Can I get tips from the breaks still lingering around? I move along and blend in, following traditions that have been set by breaks before me... Wait... I don't wanna be a break, can I be a fix? A cleaner? Refurbisher? Not the architect but just a worker earning his keep? Go to school and get a degree in how to love you? Just you... I'm just trying to find a way... So can you answer please... A plea..